Fading Colors
by Kayah371
Summary: After his break-up with Kurt Blaine is devastated. And when he learns a horrible truth about himself he chooses isolation for the sake of his loved ones. A few years later an unexpected meeting unearths buried feelings and brings back everything he had been trying to shield himself from. Will he be able to protect Kurt from the truth? (canon up to 4x04) DISCONTINUED
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

An unpleasant scent of antiseptics and chemicals was irritating Sally's nose and she wished she could leave the stark-white waiting area and sit in a different place. She wasn't sure exactly what was going on but what she did know was that something bad was happening to her father. She could hardly remember him the way she wished she could. The memories were distant and hidden behind a thick fog but from what she was able to recall she remembered prickly beard and warm yet harsh hands.

Now most of her memories consisted of long hospital visits, pain in his hazel eyes and her mother crying silently when she thought the girl couldn't see her. But she could and it was hurting her that her mother wasn't happy. "How are you doing?" Her aunt asked from beside her keeping an iron hold on the girl's small hand.

"I'm scared." She replied honestly even though she didn't know what she was really afraid of. When she looked into her aunt's round eyes she discovered bright tears rolling slowly down her cheeks. Sally felt like she was supposed to be crying too but for some reason she wasn't and she felt bad about it, almost guilty.

"It's going to be alright." The older woman said with a smile but it looked like a mask from a theater that she had once been taken to by her grandmother. It seemed like the woman didn't believe her own words. From the look on her face Sally could easily tell that in fact it was not going to be alright.

Suddenly a slim figure started walking down the hallway towards them. The girl quickly recognized her mother and her face lit up but the happiness was short-lasted when she saw the devastated look on her face and tears falling down her flushed cheeks. When she was closer her shoulders started shaking violently and she brought a hand up to her mouth covering it as if it was the only thing preventing her from screaming.

"Tiffany." Her aunt said quietly.

"God…he's…he's gone." She managed to say out loud but her shoulders kept shaking. "What am I going to do now?" She said helplessly as her sister embraced her and let the woman cry into her shoulder.

"Shh, it's going to be okay." The woman said. "You have to be strong. Be strong for Sally."

" _How?_ " She asked desperately. "She might have it too, you know? What am I going to do then?"

"She's going to be fine. You'll see."

Sally watched the two women embrace wondering what it all meant for her. Everything was going to change, that was given but she didn't know exactly just what consequences would follow.

* * *

Blaine couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He couldn't even bring himself to move. The heartbroken look on Kurt's face was still fresh in his mind and Blaine kept torturing himself with it knowing that it was what he deserved after how he had destroyed everything with his stupid delusions.

He knew that he would have to eventually stand up and face the world again but today was not the day. He preferred just lying in his bed with his eyes focused on the ceiling and trying to not think about anything at all.

Apparently his mother had other ideas as she softly knocked against the door pulling him out of his slumber. Without waiting for him to answer she pushed the door open and her gaze immediately landed on her son. "Blaine, honey. I know it's hard but eventually you will have to get up."

"Can you leave, please?" Blaine asked not wanting to face her or anyone else for that matter.

Pamela looked even more sad and deflated than before. There was something about the despair in her eyes that almost made Blaine scared. "We need to talk. It's important."

"It can wait." Blaine instantly replied.

"No." Pamela said sadly. "It actually can't."

At that Blaine eventually looked up at her. "What is it then?"

Only then when he took a closer look at his mother Blaine noticed just how heartbroken she really appeared. Her face was pale and her eyes were hollow. Knowing that it had to be something serious Blaine slowly sat up on his bed and ran his hand through his hair so that he didn't look like a complete disaster.

His mother slowly approached the bed and sat down beside her son. "I don't want to scare you without a reason but I'm pretty scared myself to be honest." She paused for a moment and Blaine noticed that her eyes were just a little too bright. "This is serious."

"Just tell me what it is. I'm freaking out here." Blaine had no idea what it could be about. but he could sense that whatever it was it could change his life forever.

Pamela reached out and covered Blaine's hands with her own. The boy shivered under her touch growing more and more petrified with each passing moment. His body felt heavy and he had trouble breathing normally. "The adoption agency called yesterday." Blaine almost gasped, beyond shocked. There was no reason for the agency to call them. "They told me that your biological mother had shown up."

"Oh," Was all that Blaine let out. He didn't know what to think of it and there was a mess in his mind. It felt like he would get a headache soon. "What does she want from me?" He asked, angry at the woman for showing up now that he didn't need her at all. His life was complicated enough as it was.

Pamela opened her mouth and closed a few times and Blaine noticed a tear escape her eyes. "She doesn't want to see you, if that's what you're asking about." Blaine raised his eyebrows prompting his mother to continue and end this waiting game already. "She told the agency that she was a carrier of a specific gene."

Blaine was silent for a moment taking it all in. "What gene?" He finally asked feeling his voice shake a little. It had to be bad if his mother was this upset over it.

Pamela looked away, obviously not being able to face her son. "It's a gene that carries the Huntington Disease." Her voice was soft and almost apologetic. "I wanted to wait with telling you until you get better but then I realized that the sooner we check you the better."

Blaine wasn't listening anymore. He wasn't oblivious. He knew the basics of the disease and what it could do with a person.

And he knew what it would eventually lead to.

The blood in Blaine's vines seemed ice cold and his body started shivering slightly. He felt dizzy and lightheaded but the weight of this revelation hadn't disappeared. "You don't have to be sick, Blaine." His mother said in reassurance but it didn't manage to help with anything. "You might be just a carrier or for all we know you might be completely fine." She paused for a moment but Blaine wasn't looking at her so she grabbed his chin and made him look at her. "You are going to be fine, Blaine. We just have to check it, okay?"

Blaine didn't answer. He just kept staring blankly straight ahead feeling everything around him slowly fade away into nothing. He could feel that his mother was hugging him but his body was heavy and he couldn't bring himself to do anything apart from silently crying into her shoulder.

* * *

 **A/N: So this is my new story idea. I am really exciting about writing it. Well, you all probably can assume what the Huntington Disease eventually leads to but it won't be included in this story so I hope it won't drive anyone away. Of course my descriptions of the disease might be inaccurate, so please forgive me for that. I'm not a medical expert but I will do my best. And for this story to work Blaine was adopted as a baby.**


	2. Chapter 1: Clashing Realities

**Chapter 1: Clashing realities**

* * *

"I hate bragging but I have to admit that you look absolutely gorgeous." Chelsea said with excitement putting the last layer of make-up onto Kurt's face using brush. Her green eyes were filled with so much joy, nearly adoration that Kurt almost blushed. "So what do you think?"

Kurt looked closely at his reflection in the mirror and smiled. "I think that you're really talented, Chelsea." He said watching as the girl almost squealed. "Honestly? I can't see the difference between your work and the one from my personal make-up artist back in New York." It wasn't completely true. He could see a few things that could be perfected but overall he was happy with what she had done and he didn't want her to stop believing in herself because of him.

"I'm so happy you like it." Chelsea said sighing, obviously relieved that Kurt didn't have any criticism for her. "Now you should go and change into your outfit." Her smile faded a little as she looked over Kurt's face one more time, as if searching for aspects of her work that she could have done better. "Unfortunately, I've spent a bit too much time on your make-up than I was supposed to and I would feel horrible if something went wrong because of me."

Kurt waved his hand dismissively. "I'm sure it's alright. No one is going to blame you for anything. Trust me." He rested his hand on the girl's knee in reassurance and then stood up looking through the mirror at his tank top and form-fitting jeans. "But you're right. I should really get going if I don't want to make everybody wait for me."

"Break a leg then." Chelsea said and waved Kurt good-bye.

Kurt excited the room and started walking down the hallway admiring how quiet everything seemed to be. The theater had a decent security which meant that he didn't have to be bugged with weird questions from his fans. It wasn't like he was extremely famous or anything like that but Kurt did have a devoted fanbase. Maybe he wasn't often recognized on the streets by strangers asking him for autographs but sometimes before more important shows it could get slightly suffocating.

Now Kurt was glad for a moment to himself which meant that he was able to take some time to prepare for his performance. Kurt continued to walk but then he frowned noticing a short blonde woman sitting on one of the plastic chairs with a cell phone in her hands. Kurt wished he could just walk past her unnoticed but unfortunately almost as soon as he noticed her, the woman's head turned towards him and a spark of recognition flickered in her blue eyes.

She quickly raised from her seat and straightened out her clothes before flashing Kurt a bright smile. He almost rolled his eyes. "Kurt Hummel, I assume?" She questioned reaching out her hand towards him.

Kurt really wanted to tell her to go to hell but he was aware of the fact that it could possibly lead to very unpleasant consequences. "Um, yeah. It's me. What it is?" He said taking her hand hesitantly.

The woman shook his hand firmly still smiling brightly. "My name is Susan Miller. I am a reporter from the local newspaper. I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions before the show?"

The urge to roll his eyes grew even stronger. "I'm really sorry but I don't think I have enough time for that. I still need to get dressed."

The woman didn't look any less excited. It scared Kurt a little. "I promise it won't take longer than five minutes. Please, it's really important to me."

Kurt sighed wondering how she even had managed to get inside in the first place. He wanted to decline so badly, throw at her something sarcastic and then maybe reply all the scenes in his mind one more time. But he knew what doing all of that could mean for him. Everyone would think of Kurt as a cold-hearted diva. "Um, alright. I think I can do it."

"That's so great! I promise it won't take too long." This time Kurt did roll his eyes knowing it was never that easy. "Let's sit down." She said and gestured for Kurt too take a seat. When they were both sitting down the woman took out her cell phone and turned on the tape recorder. Then she brushed her blond hair away from her forehead and after schooling her face into an emotionless mask she started questioning him. "So how do you feel performing in Boston? Of course it's nothing nearly as prestigious as Broadway but has it reached your expectations?" Susan reached out her hand turning the cell phone towards Kurt.

"Of course. Everyone's talented, nice and professional. And this is what I came here for after all so I can't complain." Kurt replied honestly even though in his opinion nothing could ever compare to the legend that was Broadway. Maybe it was only his imagination playing tricks on him but for some reason in New York the spotlight seemed brighter and the audience more enthusiastic.

"And how do you feel being on the same stage together with your high school best friend?"

Kurt smiled slightly. "First of all, I wouldn't call Rachel my high school best friend. Yes, we were friends in high school but we are still extremely close and I love her more than anything." Kurt paused for a moment but when the woman just nodded at him to continue he kept speaking. "Rachel…well, she's not an easy person to live with, and trust me, she's the biggest nightmare to compete with but right now I'm just happy to have a familiar face around."

"I see." Susan said flatly. She seemed a little disappointed as if expecting to hear something else but the professional smile was soon back in its place as she asked her next question. "Are you happy to have the role of Marius or were you hoping to portray Jean Valjean?"

"Well, it would be an honor to be Jean Valjean but obviously I am still way too young for that. Maybe in twenty years." He chuckled causing Susan to also laugh politely at that. "Honestly I'm just extremely grateful to have any role at all." He said hoping that the woman's questions would end with that one.

No such luck.

The woman crossed one leg over another and glanced briefly at the notes spread on the chair beside her. "My next question will be not work concerned. I hope you don't mind me asking but everyone has been dying to know whether or not Kurt Hummel, the rising star, is taken?" Her smiled got sleazy and Kurt knew that this was the question she had wanted to ask him all along.

His cheeks went red and Kurt looked away despite his will. "Well, not really."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't have a boyfriend at the moment." Kurt said. "If that's what you're asking about."

The woman smirked and opened her mouth, obviously to ask another question concerning his nonexistent love life but luckily Kurt was saved by the sounds of heavy and frantic steps approaching them. "What the hell are you doing here, Kurt?" The man heard an unmistakable voice of the show director/producer. When the older man came into view he scanned the room with his dark eyes and frowned when his gaze landed on Susan. "How did you get here? Ugh, whatever. Don't bother telling me. We don't have time for your shit. The security will take care of you." Then he turned to Kurt. "And you, get your ass into the dressing room if you still want to get your paycheck."

Kurt stood up from the chair, relieved that he didn't have to talk to Susan anymore and answer her question but also mad at Mark for treating him like that in front of her, while she was recording everything. "Please, don't take out your anger on me. Hire a psychologist for that. And well, I would _love_ to see you try to make this work without me."

Mark sent him a death glare and opened his mouth as to argue with him but then his gaze landed on the cell phone in Susan's hands. Obviously noticing that his harsh words could be used against him Mark snatched the device from the woman's hands in one swift move. "The security will give it back to you once they delete everything." Susan looked like she wanted to murder Mark with her eyes but she obviously wasn't knew to this and knew better than to lash out at him which would surely result in her being dragged out of the building by the security men. "Kurt, come on. Everyone's waiting." He said looking at the young man.

He started walking down the hallway and Kurt quickly followed him not even casting a look at Susan to check her reaction. "Please, remember that your understudy has a hell of a voice and he would gladly accept a chance to make himself noticeable."

"But the public wants me, not him." Kurt pointed out knowing that Mark knew that too and wouldn't dare to replace him.

"Still, I thought you were better than that." He said, his voice full of judgment as he just kept walking ahead without even glancing at the performer. "Why would you even talk to someone like her? You know they will use every word against you."

Kurt smirked. "Any publicity is good publicity." He grinned but Mark still looked dead serious.

"Oh, whatever." He said and opened the door to the dressing room for Kurt. "Now go change and don't make me regret picking you." Mark almost pushed Kurt inside and closed the room leaving him alone with a dozen of women to help him perfect his appearance.

* * *

There was something about pouring emotions into a song in front of a crowd of people that would always send chills down Kurt's pine. It felt like something was crawling under his skin and searching for a way out and when it was free the whole world was set on fire and Kurt felt like he could breath freely. When he wasn't performing something seemed to always be clogging up his throat, attaching him to the ground and making the colors less bright.

When he was up on the stage, doing what he loved the most everything was like it was supposed to be. No drama, no competing with other wannabes. Just _existing_ and enjoying every second of it.

Despite all that after the show Kurt felt extremely exhausted. He was sweaty and his breathing was sped up. "God, it was so amazing." Rachel exclaimed happily when they were walking towards the changing rooms. There were sparks of excitement and pure joy in her eyes and she looked like the happiest person alive even though portraying Eponine made her look like a walking dead. "But I still wish I could sleep through next week." They both chuckled despite knowing that the next eight days ahead of them would be extremely challenging.

"You and me both." Kurt said smiling at his best friend, happy that they could share this moment together. "But it'll eventually pay off."

"Well, of course it will." Rachel said, confident as ever. "I expect all the lead roles from now on. Don't you?"

"Now that my outstanding talent has been noticed how could I expect anything else?" Kurt said, only half-joking. He really hoped that this would become his breaking point. After Boston they had two weeks to themselves and then they would head to perform in New York, and after that they would grace three other cities with their surely wonderful performances. It would be exhausting but Kurt was convinced that they were strong enough to charm people all around the east coast.

After they had changed into their regular clothes and met with the most devoted fans their crewmates asked them if they wanted to join them in their hunt for the best night clubs in Boston. "Oh, come on, guys." Frank, a tall, handsome college student portraying Enjolras said when Kurt told him that he was a little tired and would prefer to just go to sleep to be well-rested for tomorrow. "Don't be like that. Don't you want to see the city?" He asked.

"Of course, I do." Kurt said. "But we have the whole week for that. Or three, if you're going to stay here when the show ends."

Frank rolled his eyes and but his face quickly lit up when Rachel emerged from the bathroom. "Talk some sense into him, Rach! I'm begging you. He wants to spend the whole night sleeping. Wouldn't it be more fun to hit the clubs?"

Kurt looked at Rachel pleadingly but to his horror a bright smile appeared on her face and she started nodding her head in excitement. Sometimes he wanted to kill her for making his life ten times more complicated than it needed to be. "That sounds like a great idea." She said. "But maybe instead of going to a night club and get wasted we could go to a karaoke bar to stretch out our vocal before tomorrow."

"God, no." Maddie, a blond girl with dreamy blue eyes and perfect pink lips said from her seat on a sofa. "I've just come today to a realization that I really fucking hate singing."

Kurt smirked. "You're not the only one." He said joking.

"Oh come on, guys! Don't you want to show all of these talentless people how awesome we are? And after that, when everyone's begging us for autographs and pictures we could invite them all to our show! Imagine how happy Mark would be!"

"Please tell me she's not serious." Maddie said rolling her eyes.

"Rachel, listen to me." Kurt said placing his hands on the girl's shoulders. "We are not going to sing anything else tonight. We are all sick of it and you will have enough time to shine on the stage during the next few weeks."

"Ugh, fine." She said at last. "Maybe it's not so stupid after all. We could get sore throats and nobody wants that."

"Exactly." Mark said clapping his hands together. "So it's settled. We're going to find a club and drink some alcohol."

"I really don't think it's a good idea." Kurt said, gaining an eye roll from both Maddie and Mark "But I guess it wouldn't be so bad either to loosen up a bit."

"Great." Maddie said raising from her seat and running towards the little group. "Then let's go before anyone changes their mind." Even despite long hours spent on singing on stage she still looked extremely gorgeous. "But first let's grab something to eat. I'm starving."

They all agreed and soon they left the hotel. They rest of the crew stayed in wanting to relax before the next day of hard work. Kurt wanted to stay too but he knew how sometimes Rachel would drink a little too much and what it could lead to so he wanted to be there with her and make sure that nothing went wrong.

They went to a small Italian restaurant. It wasn't anything too fancy but it looked really cozy and Kurt really liked the décor. Also he was a sucker for Italian cuisine no matter what impact it had on his hips. They sat at the table and started reading their menus. Kurt kept looking around and marveling and how beautiful and well-thought everything seemed to be. He just hoped the food was at least half as good as the decorations.

When Kurt looked up though he thought he saw something in the corner of his eye. Something very familiar that he hadn't seen in a very long time. He looked around trying to spot it again but whatever that was, it was gone. It had to be his imagination playing tricks on him, right? He was just extremely tired and going out was really a very bad idea.

But no.

"Hi, my name is Blaine Anderson and I will be your waiter tonight."

* * *

The sunlight peeking from behind the curtains was bothering Blaine but despite that he just buried his face deeper into the pillow trying to continue sleeping. Unfortunately after what seemed like only a few seconds Blaine's alarm went off and he was forced to get up anyway.

He rolled out of his bed and reluctantly walked into the bathroom to take a shower. Once that was out of the way Blaine went to the cramped kitchen and made himself some coffee. He glanced briefly at the dishes stuck in the sink thinking that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to wash them. But he didn't really care about it. His apartment didn't have to look good for anybody. Blaine didn't have many guests. And even if he did they didn't really care about it either.

With a mug of streaming coffee in his hand Blaine walked over to the window and looked outside at all the busy streets. More often than not looking through the window was Blaine's only form of entertainment. Nothing else held his attention for long. He let his fingers trace over at windowsill as his examined them closely for even the slightest tremble. He sighed in relief realizing that everything seemed to be fine.

Blaine finished drinking his coffee, put the empty mug into the already full sink and walked back into his bedroom. There he opened up his closet and took out a t-shit and a pair of jeans. Gone were the days when Blaine would spend sometimes even hours matching clothes together. Now it was just another thing that didn't matter to him. Another thing that always reminded him of who he used to be.

It was sad but he didn't even miss the bright colors and complicated patterns. It just reminded him that once upon a time he had dreams for something greater than just getting by and living each day the same way. Blaine put the clothes on, threw a thin jacket over his shoulders and left the apartment.

He walked to the nearest grocery shop and bought some products that could be easily morphed into a meal. His neighborhood wasn't the nicest in the city so every now and then Blaine would spot a plastic bag or an empty bottle lying around and the old Blaine would surely ran around the streets with a huge waste bin and a grin attached to his face while picking up the garbage.

But the old Blaine was dead and there were only few feeble remains hidden at the bottom of his heart. With a plastic bag in his hand Blaine walked two blocks south not even once locking his eyes with another person. Maybe somewhere in the city centre people were nice to each other but here all everyone could think about was getting by and surviving while still feeling like a human.

Blaine approached an old dilapidated block of flats, buzzed himself in and walked up many flights of stairs. Then after what felt like a few miles of walking Blaine finally found himself in front of the door number 24. He knocked a few times against the wood but unsurprisingly no one came to open the door. So instead of waiting Blaine fished the key out of his pocket and let himself in.

The apartment was very similar to his own but it did look a little better since Blaine always made sure that everything was cleaned properly. He walked into the kitchen and put the groceries up on the table. He saddened when he noticed empty plastic wrappers lying all around the room. He didn't have time to clean everything like always though so he went to the bedroom to check on his friend. Knowing that the girl was most likely still sleeping Blaine carefully pushed the door open and looked inside.

Surely the girl was sleeping soundly with her face turned towards the window which let the sun illuminate the soft features. She still had make-up on her face and Blaine noticed black marks all the way down her cheeks which made him believe that the girl had been crying.

Blaine went through other rooms and picked up burnt out cigarettes and empty beer bottles putting everything into a plastic bag and trying to move as quietly as he could in hopes of not waking up the girl. When he was done with that Blaine left the apartment with the bag of trash wishing that he could do something more to help her.

A cold shiver ran down Blaine's spine when he realized that now ahead of him was the most difficult thing that he would have to do that day. Well, technically Blaine didn't have to do that but each time he wanted to just stay home and do nothing, something inside of him would protest and make his whole soul ache even more than usual.

So he threw the garbage away and started walking down the dirty sidewalk towards the nearest subway station. Blaine took the train and after twenty minutes he found himself in front of an impressive, massive building that would always send chills down his spine. He walked inside and winded through the labyrinth of corridors passing friendly nurses and strict doctors. Some of them recognized his face and smiled or waved but most of the hospital staff didn't even bother to cast a look at the twenty-three year old.

When Blaine reached his destination he came to a halt and just like he always did started wondering if maybe he should turn around and leave not risking losing his sanity. But he wouldn't do that so at last he pushed the heavy door open knowing that no one would mind him and entered a small private room. The man was lying in the bed with the duvet covering most of his body and with his eyes shut. But when Blaine closed the door the man's eyes opened and started searching the room. When his gaze landed on Blaine he smiled slightly and attempted to wave but the uncontrollable jerking made it look more like a parody of it.

Ignoring the ache Blaine was experiencing from just looking at his friend he took a seat next to his bed. "How are you doing today, James?"

"Better." The man answered slurring a little. "The doctors say that they might let me go home today."

"That's great." Blaine said attempting to smile and ignore the sudden movements of his friend's body. "Will someone pick you up?"

"Yeah, my sister." He said with a strained smile. Blaine knew all too well why the man was hurting. It wasn't the disease, it wasn't even the reoccurring pneumonia, it was the lack of his wife by his side. "She's going to make something nice to eat tonight. She says she would be thrilled if you came."

Blaine smiled sadly. "I wish I could come but I have a late shift tonight. So maybe some other time."

"Maybe that's actually for the better." James chuckled. "You know how she is."

"Yeah." Blaine chuckled too but it probably wasn't very convincing. "Do you need me to get you anything?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I'm alright." He paused for a moment and then his face became stern, yet somehow still friendly and open. "What about you?"

Blaine frowned. "What about me?"

"How are you doing?" James asked looking straight into his friend's eyes.

Blaine shrugged. "Fine."

James didn't look impressed by Blaine's replay. "You know what I mean."

"No, I haven't called my parents yet. But I'll do it." He said even though he wasn't really sure if he was going to do it. It was a very sensitive spot and it would take a lot out of him to make this phone call and hear his mother crying and begging him to come home.

"Do it." James said simply and Blaine looked away not being able to stand his disappointed gaze any longer.

"Yeah…" He trailed off and quickly changed the subject to something that wouldn't make the wound in his heart ache even more. They talked for an hour until James became sleepy again and needed to take a nap. When his eyes closed Blaine quietly left the room and made his way out of the building.

Blaine returned home, put frozen pizza into the oven and made himself comfortable on the sofa to watch some mindless TV show while eating. After that Blaine still had a few hours to spare so he sent a few text messages to Julie hoping that she would update him on her well-being. Unsurprisingly Blaine didn't receive any replay in the course of the next four hours, so he started getting ready for work making a mental note to stop by her apartment and see how she was doing on his way back from work.

This time when Blaine opened his closet he knew he couldn't just throw on whatever. He picked a light blue dress shirt and a pair of form-fitting black pants. Then he combed his hair and even put in a little gel. It wasn't that he suddenly started caring about his appearance but his boss would surely kick him out if Blaine came in looking like a bum.

So looking more like his younger self Blaine left the apartment and once again took the train to the city centre. There he walked for a few minutes until a small and pretty building came into view. Blaine loved the restaurant because waiting tables allowed him to look at the silly couples, careless college students and happy families. It felt like everything that should matter to him was passing him by but for some reason Blaine found the sensation soothing. Even though his existence was only a pathetic excuse for life it was nice to know that everyone else was still the same, still stupid and hopeful.

Blaine walked inside the Italian restaurant, greeted other waiters and cooks, took over the tables for Danny and started working. Maybe the job didn't pay that well and he still had to do other things to get by sometimes but he didn't want anything else. He didn't need much and it was more than enough.

The restaurant was crowded and loud as usual. Well, that wasn't very surprising considering the fact that most of the cooks were Italian and their wives often came in discussing all the newest rumors and loudly commenting on other customers. No one really minded though. It was nice and it felt like home.

"New customers came." Claire, one of the waitress said as she approached Blaine who was currently cleaning up the spilled juice from the floor. "Could you take care of it?"

"Sure." Blaine said and stood up straight. He grabbed his notepad and pen and started approaching the newly occupied table while checking if the floor was still sticky. "Hi, my name is Blaine Anderson and I will be your waiter tonight."

But when Blaine looked up and locked his eyes with way too familiar blue ones his whole world crashed.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for reading and thank you, _thelighteninggirl,_** **for leaving the first comment! I really hope you all like this one and please drop a review!**


	3. Chapter 2: Without You

**Chapter 2: Without You**

* * *

Kurt's gaze stayed on Blaine, on the way his eyes kept following Kurt's and running away from them at the same time. He couldn't move and yet his hands were trembling slightly. "I will have caprese salad and tiramisu for the dessert, please. And something to drink." Maddie said with a sweet smile obviously unaware of the fact that something strange was happening to her friend. "I really shouldn't…but I'll take the diet coke."

"And I will have pesto-rubbed chicken with panzanella and a glass of water." Frank said struggling to pronounce the word _panzanella._

Kurt, and it seemed like Blaine too, weren't listening to them and instead just watched each other. "Blaine." He said the name and it sounded so foreign on his tongue, almost wrong and yet still amazing.

Before he had a chance to say anything else or at least get his thoughts into some order he heard Rachel's high-pitched voice. "Blaine Anderson!" She almost squealed. The woman stood up from the chair and without any warning threw herself at Blaine wrapping her arms around the man's shoulders and holding him tightly.

Blaine didn't take his eyes off Kurt and just stood frozen in place with his eyes so sad and vulnerable that it was breaking Kurt's heart. Finally, somehow he managed to get a hold of himself and think more clearly. His hands stopped shaking but his heart kept beating loudly even though Kurt tried to remain as calm as he could. As Rachel continued to hug Blaine who still looked like he wasn't all there Kurt noticed how quiet everything was. Maddie and Frank kept looking at Rachel and Blaine with curiosity while occasionally casting a look at the blue-eyed man.

Rachel finally pulled away and only then Blaine finally looked at her and something between a frown and smile appeared on his face. Looking closely Kurt noticed how much his ex-boyfriend had changed. He was looking into the same honey-colored eyes but they were somehow darker, more defined and mature. The gel in his hair was almost non-existent compared to his over usage in high school and Kurt found himself curious as to what Blaine was doing in Boston of all places.

"It's so good to see you, Blaine!" Rachel said cheerfully holding Blaine's hands in her own. "But what are you doing here waiting tables? Is this your only job? Do you live somewhere around here? Why aren't you in New York or Los Angeles?"

"Too many questions at once." Blaine said with a small smile. His eyes darted to Kurt but he quickly looked back at Rachel.

"Yeah, I see." Rachel said and turned around to face Maddie and Frank. "This is Blaine Anderson. He's my high school friend and Kurt's…um…" She trailed off looking apologetically at Kurt.

"Ex-boyfriend." Blaine finished for her and his smile faded.

"He should join us." Frank said with a warm smile. "We could use some company and you guys could catch up."

"That's a brilliant idea!" Rachel exclaimed, obviously forgetting all about good manners. She didn't even bother to tell Blaine who Maddie and Frank were. She was looking at Blaine hopefully and still holding his hands. Then she seemed to realize that Kurt could have something against Blaine spending time with them considering their past and she fixed her gaze on him instead. "Right, Kurt?"

"Right." Kurt replied, still a little too shocked to form any proper sentence.

"My shift has just started." Blaine said sadly but to Kurt it didn't sound like he was sorry at all about it. "I have to work if I don't want to get fired."

"Oh, I get it." Rachel said as she finally let go of Blaine's hands. "We're actually staying in Boston for a week so we'll have plenty of time to meet up and catch up on our lives." She said with a bright smile attached to her face.

"I really don't know." Blaine said, much to Kurt's surprise. "I am very busy and I literally can't find time for anything."

Rachel frowned. "I'm just asking for an hour or two. Nothing more than that, unless you want to, of course." She paused for a moment, obviously noticing that Blaine still didn't look convinced. "I've just really missed you, Blaine. And I'm sure Kurt has too."

Kurt's cheeks turned bright red as once again Blaine's gaze landed on him. His eyes seemed to be constantly searching for something but Kurt didn't have any idea what that was. Of course he missed Blaine. But he somehow had learnt how to live without his smile, without his touches and without sweetly whispered promises. He wanted to say something but his mind was completely blank and even as he opened his mouth still nothing came out and he probably just looked like a fish.

"I…I don't think that's a good idea." Blaine said looking down at the notepad in his hand. He quickly scribed something and looked back at them but this time his eyes avoided Rachel and Kurt and instead focused on Maddie and Frank. "I will get your food as soon as I can. Have a good time." And with that he turned away from their table and started walking towards what Kurt assumed was kitchen.

"Wow…that was…a lot." Maddie summarized quirking her eyebrows and smirking while her gaze travelled between Kurt and Rachel. The brown-haired woman sat back down looking both mad and concerned.

"I can't believe he has just bailed on us like that!" She said obviously angry and hurt. "Why would he do that?"

Frank looked at Kurt questioningly. "Is there some kind of bad blood between the two of you?"

Kurt sighed glancing towards the kitchen. "Ugh, it's hard to say." Kurt said shrugging. He looked back at his friends not really wanting to touch upon this particular subject but knowing that they wouldn't stop asking about it. "We didn't end on a good note. Blaine…he cheated on me and that was that. I moved on a long time ago but maybe he still hasn't." Kurt knew that some people would probably want revenge but he had managed to get control over his emotions some time ago. Of course he kept wondering what if. Of course he still felt anger sometimes over what had happened. Of course he still missed Blaine but it was alright now. It really was.

And yet he really wanted to see Blaine again and find out why he was so distant, why he didn't want to talk to them. "Oh, then I guess it may be a little awkward for him." Maddie said propping her head up on her hand. "He's hot though."

Kurt chuckled. "Well, yeah."

"You should go talk to him." Rachel said lifting up her gaze and looking at her best friend with determination. "He was so talented and yet I haven't seen his face anywhere. I need to know why he's not making a name for himself in New York. Tell him that it's alright."

"Rachel…I don't think it's your place to tell Kurt what to do." Frank said.

"No, no." Kurt quickly said. "She's right. It's really fine and well, I want to know how he's doing too." Kurt admitted. "Do you think I should go there now?"

Rachel nodded her head gaining a head shake from Frank and an amused snort from Maddie.

Kurt rolled his eyes fondly and raised from his seat before slowly maneuvering between the tables. His heart was beating fast for some reason and his hands were shaking again as if he was about to sing in front of a big crowd of people.

It was weird. He shouldn't feel this way. It wasn't a big deal after all. Just a (hopefully) friendly conversation between two people who shared their past.

He spotted Blaine at the other end of the restaurant talking to some costumers. Blaine's back was turned to Kurt and his shirt was a close fit so he couldn't help but notice that his ex-boyfriend had obviously lost some weight during the last few years. It was a little worrying but Kurt knew he wasn't there to give Blaine a pep talk or anything like that. When the man was done taking their order he turned around and started walking towards Kurt. When his gaze landed on the blue-eyed man he stopped dead in his tracks and it seemed like he didn't know what to do.

"Can we talk?" Kurt asked, really hoping that Blaine would let him say what he wanted to say.

"I really can't find any reason why you would want to talk to me." Blaine said bitterly looking anywhere but at Kurt. It hurt.

"I just wanted you to know that what happened all these years ago…it's alright now. I mean…yeah, sometimes it still hurts but I don't feel so angry about it anymore." He paused for a moment studying carefully Blaine's still stern face. "It's all in the past and I don't know about you, but I would love to know what's going on in your life. We could talk some time. You, me and Rachel."

Blaine finally looked up at Kurt and he thought something bright flickered in his hazel eyes. "I'm sorry but it is really not a good idea."

"Why?" Kurt asked desperately, longing to see the Blaine he remembered from high school and not this man he couldn't even recognize.

Blaine bit his lip looking conflicted. "I…I am busy."

"Well, I get it." Kurt said crossing his arms over his chest. "We're busy too. But we're not _that_ busy. And you can't be either."

Blaine's face hardened. "How can you know that?" He asked and his voice was not weak anymore. Now it was low and deep.

Kurt sighed. "Blaine, please."

"Why do you care so much?" Blaine asked, now looking angry. "Why can't you just go back to your perfect life and leave me alone?"

"Blaine, don't be like that." Kurt said tiredly. "I just wanted to talk…that's all."

"Well, maybe _I_ don't want to talk to _you_." Kurt almost yelped in surprise and it felt as if an arrow just went through his heart. Blaine's words really hurt him. Kurt looked closely at Blaine, studied his face and body, shocked that he couldn't find the sweet boy that he had once known and loved. "Now I really have to go back to work, Kurt." And without saying anything more Blaine walked right past him leaving Kurt more confused than ever.

He walked back to their table to find three sets of curious eyes obviously waiting for him. Kurt sat down at the table and looked at his friends trying to compose himself. "Well, it seems like Blaine doesn't want to talk to us after all."

"But why?" Rachel asked, clearly shocked and still upset.

Kurt shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not really sure." He answered helplessly. "But we should just do what he asks as to. Let's respect this decision."

"Umm, okay, I guess." Frank said, and clearly that fact that they wouldn't get any dirty details on Kurt's past was far more upsetting to him than Blaine's weird behavior. Kurt wasn't really surprised.

"And you're fine with that?" Rachel asked, doubtfully.

"Yes, I am." Kurt said doing his best to convince both Rachel and himself that this was really how he felt.

"You don't care? At all?" This time it was Maddie and Kurt rolled his eyes noticing a smirk playing on her lips. She was clearly having too much fun with that.

"We're different people now. Maybe it's better to leave our past behind." Kurt said looking down at his hands. When he looked back up Rachel seemed to want to say something but she kept quiet and so did Maddie and Frank.

Their food wasn't brought by Blaine and Kurt tried to trick himself into thinking that he really didn't mind. But he was very surprised to find his favorite pasta on his plate and what seemed to be the only vegetarian dish on the menu on Rachel's.

* * *

As Blaine walked up the stairs he still could feel angry tears threatening to fall. He kept blinking and trying to get the image of two blue orbs out of his mind but it didn't really help. The thoughts kept entwining together and falling apart all at once and Blaine could feel a migraine coming. He tried to push it all to the back of his mind but it was to no avail.

When Blaine found himself in front of the door number 24 he didn't even bother to knock. He just unlocked it with his key and walked in. As soon as he set his foot inside the apartment a strong smell of cigarettes filled his nose rids and once again his eyes started watering but at least this time it wasn't from the amount of feelings clouding his mind.

Blaine locked the door and rolled up his sleeves feeling hot from the lack of air-conditioning. Even before he walked into the small living area Blaine knew what he was going to see there. As predicted he found Julie barely conscious sitting on the sofa with a smoking cigarette held between her slim fingers. She lifted up her gaze and smiled lazily at Blaine before taking a drug. Blaine just stood there watching his friend, too upset and confused to do anything.

The girl was half-naked, her skin was moist and shining in the dim light coming from the lamp and in front of her on the table was a bottle of vodka and two small glasses. Julie, not without some difficulties sat up a little more straight and poured the alcohol into the glasses. "You want some?" She asked nodding at one of the glasses.

"No, thanks." Blaine replied even though he wanted to get lost in the alcohol and forget about everything. "And you shouldn't drink that either." Not waiting for her replay Blaine walked over to the table and snatched the bottle away. The girl reached out her hand trying to grab it but Blaine was way too fast for her imprecise movements.

"It's mine!" She said glaring at Blaine and trying to stand up from the sofa. Luckily she fell right back down and didn't attempt to pull herself up again.

"Well, not anymore." Blaine said firmly, feeling exhaustion slowly catch up with him. He had hoped to talk to her about everything but of course he should have known better than that. "Go to sleep and come over tomorrow. We can look through job offers together." He proposed.

Julie rolled her eyes smirking. "I don't need a job." She said and reached down to her pants pocket. "Look what I've got here." She took out a few bills and started waving them in front of her like a fan. Soon enough she dropped all of them but didn't bother to pick them up. "See? I'm perfectly fine."

Blaine wanted to cry. It seemed like they weren't making any progress whatsoever. "You really don't have to do this." He said. "Just come over tomorrow."

"Maybe." She replied taking another drug and blowing out the smoke as if it was the coolest thing to do ever. "I'm trying to learn some tricks, you know?"

Blaine sighed. "Goodbye, Julie. See you tomorrow."

"Leave the bottle, please." Julie said pointing at the item in Blaine's hand.

"Yeah, right." Blaine said walking towards the door.

"You know I can just go and buy another one?" She called after him but Blaine didn't even stop to look over his shoulder.

"Then go. See if I care." Blaine said knowing that she wouldn't do that anyway. She would most likely just go to sleep. At least that's what Blaine hoped for.

He exited the building still holding the bottle firmly in his hand. He looked at the liquid wondering what he should do with it. Just a few feet away there was a trashcan and the rational part of Blaine's mind kept telling him that he should just throw it away but the mere idea of sweet obliviousness overflowing his mind seemed way too tempting.

Maybe Blaine should have a little bit more respect for himself and hide the bottle somehow but he didn't and just walked down the street with the shiny object in plain sight. As soon as he got home Blaine turned on the radio in hopes of getting his thoughts occupied with something and sat down on the floor leaning his back against the coffee table and without bothering to bring a glass he opened the bottle and took a long sip welcoming the liquid burning down his throat.

Although instead of forgetting about the previous events a bunch of memories started flooding in and Blaine couldn't keep his tears at bay anymore. He didn't have to hide his feelings from anybody but crying over Kurt felt like admitting to himself that he still missed him. That a part of his heart still belonged to the blue-eyed man.

That Blaine still loved Kurt.

But it didn't matter right now. He had screwed everything up a long time ago and that wasn't even the biggest reason why they shouldn't talk to each other. Blaine couldn't let anybody see what was going to happen to him. If Kurt knew he would want to help Blaine and even if not he would surely contact Cooper or God forbid his parents and tell them about everything. Then they would appear at his doorstep in a few days time. Blaine couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. He wouldn't find enough strength to disappear again.

Blaine took another sip and closed his eyes feeling the tears slowly run down his hot cheeks. He had thought about Kurt many times. He had searched the internet in hopes of coming across his name and discovering that he was now a big Broadway sensation. He had a few times. He had found out that Kurt was an up and coming star and it couldn't make Blaine any prouder.

After another sip the alcohol started flowing through Blaine's vines and instead of falling into an emotionless slumber Blaine started wishing that Kurt was right there next to him. But then the thought of Kurt seeing him like that made him realize that what he really wanted was to come back to the way they were before. Before the illness and before Blaine's cheating.

But Blaine started thinking that maybe it was all for the best after all. At least Kurt didn't know anything and could live without the prospect of watching his loved-one slowly die in front of his eyes. Blaine would never let that happen for as long as he had any say in it. But now everything could spiral out of control and Blaine had to put an end to it while there was still time for that.

After a few more sips Blaine realized that maybe after all he would have to talk to Kurt. What if he called Blaine's parents anyway and just asked them what was wrong with him and why he refused to talk? Not only Kurt would know what was wrong with Blaine, he would also tell his parents where he lived and everything that Blaine had so carefully built for himself would shatter into pieces.

But maybe Kurt would listen to him and leave him alone. Yeah, Blaine liked that idea.

And yet when Blaine was at the edge of consciousness some part of him realized that deep down he wanted Kurt to look for him and not give up.

One more sip. It was all it took for Blaine to finally forget and stop hurting.

* * *

"Mark wants to see you. I don't think it's good." Kurt rolled his eyes at that and continued to wash off his carefully-applied make-up. He was tired and sleepy. Talking to Mark and listening to his remarks was the last thing on his mind.

"What does he want?" Kurt asked sharply examining closely his expression in the mirror. Once the make-up was gone he noticed dark circles under his eyes and his alarmingly grey complexion.

Maddie shrugged as she sat down in front of her mirror and also started working on getting rid of the make-up. Kurt didn't really think it was necessary in her case since she was going to apply even thicker layer of powder and God knows what else later on anyway. "I don't know but he seemed pissed."

Kurt groaned running his hands through his hair. "I just don't know how to please this guy anymore."

Maddie smiled sadly at him putting away her make-up kit. She span a little on her chair so that she was facing Kurt. "You can't sleep, huh?"

Kurt sighed and slowly shook his head. "I don't know what to do anymore. It's a miracle when I sleep for two hours during the night."

Maddie reached out her hand and rested it on top of Kurt's knee smiling in sympathy. "You keep thinking about him, don't you?"

Kurt really wanted to deny it and say it was just a weird case of exhaustion but he knew that the girl could see right through him so laying was pointless. "Yes." He said simply. It was getting out of control. Each time Kurt tried to fall asleep he could see a set of sad honey-colored eyes. It was hunting him. Each turn he took he thought he saw a glimpse of him and yet each time it was someone else.

Maddie squeezed his knee reassuringly but it failed to provide any comfort. "I would say that a honest conversation would solve it but…"

"…but he doesn't want to talk to me." Kurt finished for her sadly.

"Yeah." She said looking down. "But maybe you could try again."

Kurt shrugged. In reality he really wanted to but if Blaine didn't want to see him then maybe it was wiser to just stay away and carry on as if nothing happened. But the true was that Kurt didn't think he could. "I don't know but I'll think about it." Kurt said smiling slightly.

He finished taking care of his appearance and then started his search for Mark. He really wanted to avoid seeing him but it would surely not help with his case. The director would be even more pissed and nothing good would come out of it, so Kurt pulled himself together and knocked against the door to his office before walking in.

"You wanted to talk to me?" Kurt questioned looking at the man. He was sitting behind his desk and typing on his computer, most likely booking their flights or hotel rooms. When Kurt spoke up he lifted up his gaze and nodded at the chair opposite him before going back to typing on the keyboard. "Can we please make it quick? I really need to take a nap." Kurt said hoping that his positive attitude would somehow help with sleeping.

"I am really not satisfied with your last performances." Mark said and Kurt was a little taken aback by how straight-forward he was. "You seem tired, your voice is not as good as usual and most of the time you just look bored."

Kurt frowned. He didn't know it was that noticeable. "I am really trying my best."

"Well, then try harder." Mark's voice was both sad and disappointed. He closed his laptop and looked straight into Kurt's eyes. "The opening night was outstanding and now while everyone is still amazing you're falling behind. How would you explain that?"

"There has been a lot on my mind lately." Kurt said flatly.

"The audience and critics don't care about that, Kurt." Mark said. "I put my money into this project and I can't have you ruining everything for me. You need to pull your shit together and if nothing improves for the rest of our stay here I will have to replace you. I'm sorry."

Kurt's eyes widened. "No, you can't do that!" He said, feeling panic bubbling up inside of him. "You know this is my big chance. You can't take that away from me." He knew it was desperate and he should control his emotions better but now Kurt was not only dead tired but also mad and terrified.

Mark sighed rubbing his neck. "You know I like you. Kurt."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Well, I haven't noticed any kind of affection coming from you."

Mark ignored his little remark and just carried on. "But this is also _my_ big chance."

Kurt wanted to say something snarky but he was just too tired to come up with anything witty. "Okay. I promise I will try to do better."

"Thank you." Mark said seeming pleased with his answer. "This is all I'm asking for. Don't waste your chance." He paused for a moment studying Kurt's face carefully. "And if you have trouble sleeping just buy some pills."

"I will." Kurt promised. "Is that all?"

"Yes, go and rest." Mark said gesturing at the door.

Without saying good-bye Kurt raised from his seat and left the office wondering what he should do next. Well, first he went to the nearest pharmacy and bought the recommended sleeping pills. It was only a temporary solution but he really needed to be well-rested if he wanted to keep his job, so it had to work for now. Then he walked back to the hotel, locked himself in his room not wanting anyone to disturb him and took the pills.

While he waited for them to start working Kurt thought of Blaine. As much as he wanted to think that he really didn't care about him anymore and just continue doing his thing without the need to talk to Blaine he knew it wasn't true and he would have to do something about it. Blaine didn't want to talk to him but there had to be a bigger reason behind it other than just feeling guilty. Blaine wouldn't just turn away from him without something serious forcing him to do so.

Kurt had to stop this madness. He had to find Blaine, talk to him and set things straight between them. Then he would move on and everything would be fine. He was sure of it. When he started feeling the soothing sensation of sleep overwhelming his whole body he laid down in bed and pulled his pillow close to his chest hoping that he was cuddling something, or _someone_ , else.

* * *

When Kurt woke up he finally felt better. At least physically. When he checked his cell phone it turned out he had a few missed calls from Rachel but most importantly he discovered that he had slept for more than twelve hours. It was already past 9 AM which in Kurt's case was scandalously late.

Even though Kurt knew he should rehearse with his crewmates he was sure that it wouldn't really improve his performance. So instead he decided to visit the little Italian restaurant again in hopes of spotting Blaine and possibly getting to talk to him. He didn't even know if Blaine was working that early or if the restaurant was even open but he decided to give it a shot anyway, not being able to stay still anymore and ignore the urge to see Blaine again.

When Kurt reached the restaurant it was still relatively early so he wasn't surprised at all to find the door closed. But when he looked inside he noticed a girl, probably a college student moping the floor. Without thinking too much Kurt started knocking against the door. The girl looked up at him and raised her eyebrows, obviously confused. She leaned her mop against the counter and slowly, maybe even cautiously started walking towards Kurt.

Kurt hoped she would open the door but instead she just pointed at the close sigh, looking bored. "Can you open the door, please?" Kurt asked loudly not ready to give up so easily even though it was clear that Blaine was not inside.

"Can't you read?" She said rolling her eyes. "Come later."

"It's important." She must have noticed the desperation in Kurt's eyes as her face softened slightly and she finally cracked the door open.

"What?" The girl asked, still obviously bored. "I would love to chat but unless you want to help me clean up this place I'm afraid it's impossible."

"I promise it won't take long." Kurt assured her. "I just…I really need to talk to Blaine Anderson."

The girl narrowed her eyes. "What for?"

"It's…it's personal." He said. "Can you please tell me when his next shift starts?"

"No." The girl said shortly. "I don't want anyone to sell out information about me so I don't do that either. Besides, Anderson doesn't date so forget about his ass."

"Um, it's not really about that." Kurt said attempting to smile nicely at her. The girl was starting to get on his nerves but he was determined to keep his emotions at bay and not waste this opportunity. "I don't want to pick him up or anything. I just want to talk." She still didn't look convinced as she just kept looking up and down Kurt's body, obviously judging his appearance. "And it's fine if you don't want to tell me anything about him. Just give him my phone number and tell him that Kurt Hummel wants to talk to him, okay?"

The girl was silent for a moment. "Maybe." She said at last.

"Give me your phone then." Kurt said.

"What?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "I need to type in my number somewhere, don't I?" Reluctantly, the girl handed him her smartphone and Kurt typed in his number. "Thank you for your help." He said handing back the device.

She shrugged. "I can't promise you anything."

Kurt smiled sadly. "I know."

"But I'll try." She said softly, surprising Kurt.

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

As Kurt walked back towards the hotel he realized he wasn't feeling any better but at least now he had hope and that was more than nothing.

* * *

 **A/N: I really want to thank all of you who spend time reading this story. It means the world to me that people find it interesting. Every time I see a new review or follow my heart grows just a little bit. Thank you. It really makes my day ;)) Please, leave a review and tell me what you think!**


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